Key points

• After separation, domestic abusers seek to cause as much harm as possible, and gain whatever they can.
• Post-separation abuse is coercive control in the post-separation period.
• Victim-survivors can engage in strategies to protect themselves and their children post-separation.

No divorce is fun, but most are reasonably amicable. Divorcing a domestic abuser is another story altogether. After separation, abusers take everything they can—often including the children. The Dark Tetrad explains why some abusers are so ruthless after separation. They are not merely angry exes. They exhibit a toxic combination of narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism (Mededovic, & Petrovic, 2015; Kanemasa et al, 2022). It may look like a high conflict divorce, but it is litigation abuse.

Litigation abuse and custody stalking are post-separation coercive control tactics (Elizabeth, 2017; Gutowski & Goodman, 2023; Watson & Ancis, 2013). Coercive control is a pattern of behavior where one person tries to dominate their intimate partner. Coercive control tactics can include verbal, physical and sexual abuse, social isolation, financial control and so much more. Unfortunately, coercive control abuse often intensifies post-separation.

Since the mask of love is gone, the abuser’s tactics emerge in full force; centering around pain and gain.

The Abusive Strategy of Maximum Pain, Maximum Gain

Pursuing dominance, coercive controllers aim for "maximum pain, maximum gain." Abusers manipulate the victim's emotions and behaviors to achieve their own ends.

This strategy leads to four main types of outcomes:

Outcome #1: Pain / Gain

Being able to both inflict pain on their ex-partner and also gain something for themselves is the gold ring for a domestic abuser. For example, an abuser might convince a judge to give them more parenting time, but then neglect the children on visits. (This practice is called "spiteful disregard"). The abuser has achieved the twin goals of "winning" and hurting their ex.

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Outcome #2: No Pain / Gain

Sometimes, abusers get what they want without causing their partner significant pain. These are the attempts to “win” that cause ex-partners to roll their eyes because they seem so petty. For instance, an abuser removes two door handles which he had previously installed before turning over the marital home to his former wife upon divorce. Or an abuser “accidentally” breaks their victim’s favorite mug while moving out, just because they can. Abusers feel like they have gained by exerting control over the situation and demonstrating their ability to "win." They do not succeed in causing their ex-partner pain every time they try.

Outcome #3: Pain / No Gain

Sometimes, the coercive controller manages to inflict pain on their partner but does not receive their desired outcome. This shows up most often when a father triangulates and weaponizes children against their mother, harming the mother/child relationship. (Most often, mothers are the primary parent and the protective parent). The abuser’s actions here cause the mother pain, but do not actually benefit the abuser. In fact, as the children get older, they often perceive the patterns and resent the abusive parent.

Outcome #4: No Pain / No Gain

Sometimes abusers do not get what they want, and are not able to cause their ex-partner direct pain. At least not in the short-term. For instance, in an effort to gain the upper hand in a custody proceeding, a domestic abuser may stage a scenario to seem like the victim and not the perpetrator. If the police and courts see through it, however, this DARVO strategy may backfire.



References

Dalgarno, E., Meier, J., Ayeb-Karlson, S., Pollack, D. and Katz, E. (2023). From ‘parental alienation’ to (Abusers’) Child and Mother Sabotage (CAMS) as a preferable term for how perpetrator fathers intentionally sabotage the child-mother connection. Shera Research.

Elizabeth, V. (2017). Custody stalking: A mechanism of coercively controlling mothers following separation. Feminist Legal Studies, 25, 185-201.

Kanemasa, Y., Miyagawa, Y., & Arai, T. (2022). Do the dark triad and psychological intimate partner violence mutually reinforce each other? Personality and Individual Differences, 196, DOI https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2022.111714

Gutowski, E. R. & Goodman, L. A. (2023). Coercive control in the courtroom: The Legal Abuse Scale (LAS). Journal of Family Violence, 38, 527-542.

Međedović, J., & Petrović, B. (2015). The Dark Tetrad: Structural properties and location in the personality space. Journal of Individual Differences, 36(1), 1–11.

Watson, L.B. & Ancis, J.R. (2013). Power and control in the legal system: From marriage/relationship to divorce and custody. Violence Against Women, 19, 166–186.

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Co-authored by Lisa Aronson Fontes and Julie Nee.